Forget rampant unemployment, social unrest, a country divided in half (okay 50.5 to 49.5), Global Warming, or even “Four More Wars” from George W. Bush…the real crisis the modern world is facing is obviously spiritual.
The cover story of this week’s Time magazine was not the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, or any of the above. It was about the “Secrets of the Nativity”. In other words it was about the “creche”…Jesus’ original “crib”.

That is all “creche” means is “crib” or “manger”.

Sure, Jesus’ crib was not like the MTV cribs we are so accustomed to. Not a lot like Ashton Kutcher’s crib (replete with Demi Moore crib), or certainly the cribs of Papa Roach, Tony Hawk or Shannon Elizabeth. But, a crib is a crib.
In fact, Jesus’ crib was literally a “feeding trough” in an old cold barn, warmed only by the family, and later, some shepherds. Oh, and there was also probably a lot of livestock, so there was also the warmth and smell of their methane creating defecations (the beginnings of “Global Barn Warming”).

Looking at other’s nice cribs on MTV is kinda fun (for about 7 minutes), but I never expected to have my own Jesus crib stolen. But it happened.

Somebody stole my Jesus crib.

As an Internet researcher and journalist I wondered and checked the news for other creche-related events…omigod!! A wax “Beckham”, depicted as a member of the Holy Family has been pushed over in a Museum creche (crib) in London:

(Free kick here)

And 70 people protested having George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Prince Philip as being depicted as the “three wise men” there.

Personally, if you read down, the choice of Samuel L. Jackson as one of the shepherds seems safe, but I wouldn’t trust Hugh Grant around the sheep.

Just me.

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Here is just how pervasive this global creche crisis has become. In London, David Beckham, and his lovely wife Victoria, are depicted as the holy parents of Jesus at Madame Tussauds museum.

The “Joseph” (David) and his wife “Mary” (Victoria, otherwise known as the "Posh" Spice Girl) wax figures were attacked by a man offended by their attempts to look after the baby Jesus in his crib (er, feeding trough). It was rumored that the attacker tried to abscond with one of the waxened Holy Family in order to start a small mail order candle business, but he has not yet been apprehended.

Fortunately, Real Madrid star defender Walter Samuel, who just happened to be touring the museum at the time, was able to successfully deflect all of the following attempts to score on the Holy Beckhams.

“It was just second-nature,” Samuel said later.

In harmony with the star thematic renditions of the Tussaud exhibit, the baby Jesus was a simple wax rendition of “Mini-Me”.

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As I continued to search I found all manner of bizarre world-wide creche events.

In Naples, 32 pastry chefs decided to construct a huge nativity scene entirely out of chocolate. The baby Jesus is made of white chocolate despite his Middle Eastern ethnicity. This crib also sports celebrity figures that watch over the delectable Jesus. Last year the babe in the manger was surrounded by chocolate renditions of Dubya and Osama bin Laden (I admit I made up the Mini-Me thing above, but this one’s real. Check it out…)

(Click to Eat)

It took the 32 chefs 4500 hours to construct the 7,250 pound Nativity.

On this one I have a couple of questions.

First, after the Beckham incident in London I really fear for the baby Jesus. I mean some fanatic is gonna get past the guards and eat him (no doubt citing a literal biblical reference in his defense later). And if not, what do they do after Christmas is over? Do they melt the King of Kings down and make smaller white chocolate Jesus bars? (I do not have any problem with them melting down Dubya or bin Laden…it would solve a lot of the world’s problems.)

In other areas of the world this year they just do the whole Jesus crib wrong. You can buy a llama nativity scene that has no Jesus, no Madonna (not that one! the original one!) or Joseph or wise men…just two llamas, a donkey (or calf), a camel and a duck.

A duck?

No Jesus or Holy Family…a duck with adoring llamas. Sounds more like a Monty Python routine than a nativity scene.
Oh, and I am serious…if you go to the website they are SOLD OUT!

(One duck...no Jesus)

So, Jesus is missing, there is a shortage of llamas and ducks, and gas prices are at an all time high. Surely these are the “End Times”.

And what’s with the three wise men being in the scene at all? If you read the historical texts they come days later to a house with their gifts.

I guess it ups the price of the collectible scenes to have more figurines.

But if so, why not go all the way and add other significant figures to the story? Why not have a King Herod figure lurking in the background? Where is the Innkeeper and his family? It’s not his fault that all the rooms were taken! It was “Census” time for God’s sake! At least he found some safe space for them to have the birthing! He probably didn’t even charge them full rate. He deserves to get in doesn’t he?

I mean, if wise men, who (historically) are hundreds of miles away at the time, and llamas and ducks get in, how come the Innkeeper doesn’t?

Sigh, and elsewhere, in Florida (what is up with that state?) a judge is deciding whether a woman can put up a nativity scene publicly. They already have a Menorah openly displayed, but it’s a whole big mess down there over also putting the Jesus crib out in the open air.

It’ll probably hinge on whether the nativity scene has hanging chads or not.

The story continues:

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© 2005 Azotuscafe.com

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