We figure, over the years, Mr. Williams has been raking in millions of dollars immitating people and putting words in their mouths without any consent. Comedy works that way.

Payback's a bitch.

In this case, we decided to make Williams a new convert to the wacky world of Christendom just to see how he'd do.

 

Mr. Williams, it is an honor to meet you, and I believe you just met somebody else.

YEA-HUS! I met Jeeee-sus! True, it was just the Baby Jesus, but Jeeee-sssuuuuss all the saaaamahhh!

Hmmm ... just the Baby Jesus, well, tell us how that happened.

Well, I was on Holiday in Jerusalem. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and putting honey on my toast and some zealots mistook me for John the Baptist. I woke up three days later in a large cave and some strange woman was dancing in front of the mullah and pointing at my head.

I see, well weren't you terrified?

Of course. I was as scared as a hot meat sandwich in a piranha pool. But that night I had a vision from God ... it's true ... and I saw the Baby Jesus in the manger. Place was a mess. You don't normally have sense of smell in dreams, but this was a vision ... a sort of smell-a-vision.

Smell-a-vision?

Yes, I know it's strange, but so is Isaiah's healing Hezekiah with a fig cake ... you can never tell with the Almighty.

Anyway, my goodness can those animals drop a FULL LOAD!

And you think of the Baby Jesus all meek and mild, in Downey soft clothes cooing ... not so! Baby Jesus is screaming his head off ... probably his own vision of all the insanely stupid and cruel things people will do in his name and he's just screaming "NOOOO ... NOOOO!" But I digress.

Then in the vision, I see him growing up and ditching his parents. GenX Jesus is cool. Then we get to the good part and, aw... CRAP! Just then Bin Laden starts snoring three caves over. Guy's a terrorist even when he sleeps.

Bin Laden was three caves over?

Well that's what it said on the zealot literature. Personally, I think he just has time-share there.

So that was the end of the vision?

I tried to get it back ... but all I could get was ESPN and The Best Damned Sports Show Period. So now I'm stuck with only the baby Jesus really.

Baby Jesus love me this I know
For a vision told me so
Comic minds to him belong
They are strange but he is strong

So how did you escape?

Well, it was easy. When they weren't looking I snuck into the harem and stole a bunch of clothes then posed as a woman. A lot of their women are incredibly hairy and buff. Very Mrs. Doubtfire ... just with M-16s.

That's what started me on my journey of faith ... well that and the bowl of hashish.

So what writers and thinkers have influenced you?

I tell you, I've started to read some serious theological works. I went down to the Christian bookstore and got some Chick tracts, a Jesus Frisbee and a book on the Trinity by a cucumber named LarryBoy.

Uh ... Robin there ARE better reading materials.

Oh yes, your right, I got the companion volume on the Incarnation by Bob the tomato.

But serious Mac, I'm not so naïve. I know all about the Evangelical world. I've been making money imitating Jerry Falwell for years.

Well like who have you read?

Well Francis Schaeffer for one!

Which book did you read?

Well, several. I read He is There And He is Not Silent. Ironically I found that book at a silent retreat, and I heard God hiccup. Then there is the famous How Then Shall We Now Living, er, How Living Now Shall We Then, oh, Living How Now Brown Cow Then Shall We change the subject?

And did you like that?

Well I would have, but with those knickers I kept seeing Schaeffer as the old Amish man in Witness. You know, "Booooooooook! I wrote another Booooooooooook!"

Have you read any C.S. Lewis?

C.S. Lewis ... boy do we need him to come back.

The Second Coming of Jack.

Of course if he did all the gospel "betterment folk" would grab old Jack, put him on weight watchers, bitch-slap the patch on him, and enroll him in a good 12-Step program.

Can you imagine that 12-Step program with Lewis? After six weeks, and vigorous debate they'd have a new draft of the 12 Steps:

Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- and that Tolkien has to pick up the next round."

Step Two: "Came to believe in the Holy Trinity, the Incarnation and the Resurrection. Anything less is insane."

Step Three: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as Lewis alone understands him."

Yes, fat Jack would go into recovery and come out looking like Ben Stein.

So you've obviously know Jack.

Yes, I read the trilogy, Out of the Silent Planet (no copies of Schaeffer's book allowed there) ... that would potentially be How Then Shall We Then Live on a Silent Planet Where He Shall be Not Silent?

Have you noticed that Schaeffer talks and looks a little like Yoda?

Tell us Robin, how do you think your conversion will affect you, I mean you are already an incredibly diverse and complicated individual?

Well that's true, back in my single days, one woman complained that going out with me was like batch dating.

But since then I have gone deeper and found my true inner self.

Tell us what that means to you.

Well, I discovered that at the core of my being I am an enigma wrapped in a paradox, shrouded in a Turin, breaded, and dipped in a honey marsala sauce! Criss-cut fries are extra.

What was the largest obstacle to faith for you?

Well, at first, as a child, it was this immense woman who use to sit in front of our entire family on Sunday mornings. But then came the hippie movement and my parents gave up going to church because it wasn't intellectual enough. Instead they wore saffron and spent 90 minutes a day sipping the guru's bathwater.

And for you?

Well, the major thing is all the money grubbing and the televangelist stuff. I just don't get it. I mean I'm going trust this guy to heal my colon cancer and he can't even heal his own HAIR!

And just once I want to see, on TV, the preacher ask the question and have the person say "I have colon cancer! Please HEAL me by the laying on of hands!!!"

This "Kodak Moment" brought to you by Preparation H.

Nice try! But in this case they should call it "Preparation A-H" don't you think?

But seriously, they all have bad hair, it's like a requirement! The one guy looks like he has an opossum nailed to his head.

Boom! Jesus comes back!

When he leaves it's the Apostle Paul in a tiny jail in Rome; when he comes back it the Opossum Benny in the Georgia Dome!

Just the other day I saw an internet ad for a Christian Love Boat cruise. You sail on an immense cruise ship, enjoy the exotic sands and waters, dine with your sweetheart and are indoctrinated on the evils of the "Muslim Threat".

Well you have to admit the world has changed a bit.

Yes, but shuffleboard and Shiites!? I don't think so, although admittedly, the head honcho looked very much like Captain Stubing.

Come Baby Jesus COME! Come before they name a theme park after you!!

So you believe in Jesus' return?

Well, I think so. Although I hope he's grown up because really only Gandhi could get away with wearing a diaper in Parliament.

 

 
Back to the Doghouse© 1989 Mac
  © Christopher C. MacDonald